*SPOILER ALERT. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!*

"Here's the funny thing: in my own crazy way I was kinda happy. For the first time in years there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant, for the first time in years, the world was wide open, because kids, when the door closes, well, you know the rest. "
- Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother S07E17

Why haven't I seen it this way before .. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, THE WORLD IS WIDE OPEN! HELLOOOOO WORLD! :D

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Not blogging often has made it difficult to recap the year, but for memory's sake here are some highlights and lowlights of 2011 in no particular order:

1. Submitted my last ever uni project in January, confirmed that I was good to graduate in June, and finally a Graduate in September.
2. Struggled with working in the family business. After months of my browser having tabs open of jobs I should/wanna apply, I finally took the courage in August and applied for 2. Went for an assessment for one, and obviously didn't pass as expected. haha. Went for an interview, and up till this day, am still in shocked that I got hired because I brought absolutely nothing, no portfolio, no examples of my writing, nothing. Guess they were desperate and got lucky that I did not lie when I said I was proficient in writing and editing. haha
3. Got hired, took a while before I had the courage to tell the parents because I was afraid of disappointing them. Found my niche. Got really good results for my evaluation which blew my mind. Survived the early mornings. And my back is feeling so much better.
4. Spent the whole year being single but unavailable. Final heartbreak in September. The chapter well and truly over in December after being dragged on for far too long. Resolved anger, bitterness and disappointment just in time to start fresh in the new year.
5. Started the year with weddings to attend, and ended the year with even more. A year filled with engagements as well. As happy as I am for all the couples, can't help feeling a bit bitter and tired of being alone.
6. Had a family health scare in November. Can only look back and thank God at how He brought us through it. Opened my eyes to realize how important church is.
7. Found support in unlikely people. Started re-building friendships.
8. The sister came back for good! Which made it a whole lot easier for me to leave the family business. heh. I'm sorry sister if you feel you're stuck. But you've got more time than me to accomplish things ...
9. Visited Melbourne again :)

To sum up, 2011 has been pretty much a good year in all areas of my life 'cept for matters of the heart. I'm definitely happier than the past couple of years, and I don't wake up wondering what am I doing with my life anymore.

Here's hoping 2012 will finally resolve the matters of the heart! haha.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

woah. what happened there

...

i think i was an ISFJ too. and now.. i am just an introvert. and close to nothing more...

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

here's what's most interesting about an ISFJ as lovers (bold for what I find is very true of myself)

ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them, unless they have a strong reason to do so. Their intensity of feeling makes their intimate relationship their first priority in life, with the possible exception of God. They seek monogamous, lifelong commitments, and can be depended upon to be faithful and loyal to their mates once they have made a commitment.

ISFJs have a difficult time leaving a relationship which is bad, or accepting that a relationship is over. They tend to put all of the blame on their own shoulders, and wonder what they should have done to make things work out. If they have been loyal to their vows and have done their duties, they will be at a complete loss as to what went wrong, and will have great difficulty accepting the end. They are "true blue" lovers, and may even remain faithful to their deceased partners.

ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. This may backfire on them, if they get into a situation in which they are taken advantage of, and do not have a good outlet for their strong emotions. In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. The ISFJ should work on recognizing their own needs, and place some importance on meeting them, rather than always putting the needs of others first. After all, if you can't take care of yourself, how can take care of someone else?

Sexually, the ISFJ sees intimacy as a tangible way of strengthening their relationship bonds. They also see as something of a duty, and are likely to be more interested in serving their partner than in their own personal satisfaction. Although the ISFJ is not likely to be very wordy about expressing their love and affection, they're likely to do so through their deeds, and will deeply value their partner's responding affirmations.

The ISFJ is very warm and selfless. They'll put forth tremendous amounts of energy and time into doing what they feel is ther duty. What makes them feel best about themselves is when others show them their appreciation of the ISFJ. Consequently, the best gift that the partner of an ISFJ can give them is the expression of their love and appreciation.

ISFJs have difficulty with conflict situations, and would much prefer to just sweep things under the rug. Sometimes facing a conflict situation helps to resolve it, and the ISFJ should realize that the world will not end if they face the conflict, and express how they feel about it. A conflict situation is not necessarily a "problem" which needs to be gotten rid of, and it is also not necessarily the ISFJ's fault. It's a common problem for ISFJ's to not express their feelings until pushed to some limit, after which they explode in anger and say things which they later feel they shouldn't have said. These kinds of outbursts can be reduced by expressing their feelings on a more regular basis, rather than keeping them pent up inside.

In general, the ISFJ is usually a traditional, family-minded individual who places the comfort of their mates and families as their first priority in life. They're great for providing for everyday basic needs, and have a depth of caring which is very unusual, and not found in most types. They highly invested in the health of their relationships, and will work very hard to make things run smoothly. They are dependable and affectionate lovers.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFJ's natural partner is the ESTP, or the ESFP. ISFJ's dominant function of Introverted Sensing is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Sensing.

So, I guess I should be looking for an ESTP or an ESFP. Know any? Their favoured careers are "ceo, sports management, fighter pilot, marketing specialist, business manager, race car driver, supervisor, economist, airline pilot, bar owner, consultant, cia agent, security specialist, technician, businessman, mechanical engineer, public relations specialist, coach, manager, marketing director, sales associate, mechanic, politician, publicist, public relations manager, school teacher, radio dj, customer service, emt, hair stylist, event coordinator, pediatric nurse, child care worker, makeup artist, personal trainer, public relations, human resources, travel agent, massage therapist, physical therapist, interior decorator". LOL (source 1, 2)

And please make sure I stay away from "poet, artist, art teacher, novelist, bookstore owner, graphics designer, museum curator, librarian, freelance writer, author, florist, painter, school psychologist, songwriter, musician, professional college student, editor, philosopher, english professor, bookstore owner, author, researcher, painter, artist, scientist, philosophy professor, art director, computer programmer, freelance writer, history professor, web developer, paleontologist, book editor, cia agent, aerospace engineer, archeologist, webmaster" as they're most likely not ESTPs & ESFPs. haha.

Sigh.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

this past few weeks the fear of being left behind has crept up behind me, closer and closer until it reached close enough to tap me on the shoulder, made me turn around, and now i am unable to see beyond it.

to be dramatic, it is as if i floated into the atmosphere, just to escape for a little while, and it was fascinating, watching the world spin beneath me, until i realised it was moving on without me. without needing me.

isn't this what i wanted? why does getting what i want still feel so... sucky?

life is so different and still very much the same. it's so frustrating to have run 3000km and end up in the very same place.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

When will I be loved again? It's getting really tiring waiting for a decent guy. Maybe I missed my chances already when I closed my heart off to two really decent guys in the past to follow 'love'.

In the end, look at where 'love' lead me. A bitter single old fart who envies other people's relationships.

Sigh.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

But how does a knight in shining armor save the day when the damsel won't allow herself to show distress? Or if the damsel constantly saves her ownself? Or if the damsel's family are always around to save her?

Is this how spinsters are born?

Someone needs to teach me how to be a damsel in distress before I end up an old maid..

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Now, if only prince charming will come sweep me off my feet. Then, life would be perfect. For now, I guess I'll just be contented with what I have.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

letting go of the need to be the best. and earning human accolades.

holding on to making the best of my five loaves and two fish. my music and my design art  craft.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

i am not about to give birth, not yet, not ever. (subject to change. but whole other topic)

it's been 9 months (give or take a few weeks) since uni, 9 months since i submitted (late) my final (haphazardly put together) folio.

about 6 months of which i spent in almost complete avoidance of my go-to "inspiration" sites eg. formfiftyfive, thedieline, ffffound, behance; conversations on design, design thinking, the future of design, design anything; patterns and trends; basically anything labeled (correctly or incorrectly) as "design".

i began my design (loose term) education knowing i could draw better than the average person. year one, in art & design foundation year, i confirmed my technical abilities, discovering the things i never knew my hands could do with pencils, fineliners, markers, pastels, brushes, inks, scalpels, etc. throughout the first half of my design education i was told that i possessed an innate "sense" of design. although i didn't (and probably don't fully) grasp what that abstract "sense" of design was, it padded my confidence.

and then a few weeks into my second year of Communication Design, my confidence just shattered. maybe my comfort bubble burst, maybe it was having a new circle of amazing design geniuses as friends, maybe it was the nature of the briefs (not underwear). but i just became increasingly aware of how immature, unpolished and shallow my design "sense" was. this sounds really stupid, but for the first time in my life, i was mediocre. i'd always been the smart kid. i didn't only excel in my studies, i had a "creative" side. i could draw and play multiple musical instruments. but here, in this dense population of creative designers, i wasn't anywhere near the best. by third year, even being mediocre was a struggle. i struggled with resolving form with function, function before form, the purpose of designing anything to be more important than how it looks, yet ultimately being graded on how it looks. i struggled between relying on my intuitive design "sense" and caring a WHOLE lot on what my classmates, my lecturers, my non-design friends, my family would think. while having designer friends was great, learning the design processes of others, the honest open feedback thrown around, understanding the pressures we were each going through, it was also stressful. in my inferiority, i compared. i judged my abilities against the abilities of my classmates and the entire design community's. which became, as you can expect, self destructive.

the final stretch was an incredibly trying time. i was mentally and emotionally drained. lost. thinking a huge part of my identity was found in my abilities, in losing faith in my abilities, i lost a sense of who i was. add to this a relationship that wasn't working out, learning about changes in the immigration laws and that it affected me directly big time, and the eventual breakup, you could say i was a wreck. to give a visual picture, i was like an injured runner crawling painfully slowly towards the finish line. my one goal was to graduate and be done with uni. and possibly design.

cutting the story short, i graduated (yey), spent a few months mulling over the visa application process, half heartedly browsed job ads, played lots of music, took lots of photos, worked in a cafe, decided not to apply for my visa, moved back home, started working at APR (family restaurant), doing bits and pieces of un-groundbreaking, mostly uncreative design, and now 9 months after uni, here i am.

when people ask me what i studied or what i do, i still answer with the rehearsed "i'm a designer. not architect, not fashion, not interior. communication. no, not mass comm. like, graphic. yes, i'm good with computers, yes i'm a photoshop goddess, but that's just a tool, a medium to the message. i design ways to communicate a message. like, if you have a message, say you make cupcakes and want more people to know, i can design a logo for your cupcakes, packaging for your cupcakes, a business card and flyers to hand out to people you meet, set up a website (or facebook page) for you, etc. no, i'm not in advertising per se. yes, i use computers. ..." but honestly, i don't even believe the definition of what i do, at least i don't believe it's what i want to do. i have since lost most belief in logo and visual identities. the strength of a brand lies mostly in what its customers/audience feel towards it, and while of some importance, imho it is miniscule in comparison to, e.g. the long lasting impact of customer service.

i've relinquished a good portion of my worry over how my design stands visually against what's being churned out in the design community and bookmarked, reblogged, linked, liked. and realised that first and foremost, my design is a communication tool, and if my audience responds better to ugly but familiar and easily understood material, that should be my style of choice. of course, i still subtly try to gently awaken their design "senses" with my carefully thought out layouts ("i don't know why but my mind is attracted to these images, and now my eye is moving towards this line of text, and flowing naturally to the next") and condition them to love perfect alignment and proper typography (though admittedly still a weak point of mine). i am still very nitpicky and a perfectionist in editing images, honing my quickmasking skills, but if flying dishes are what they need, then so be it. no visually neat (but mostly useless) infographics here.

i am at peace with what i am doing at this point in time. i am not worrying over producing New, Fresh, Exciting, Never done before, Droolworthy designs for the design community. i constantly remind myself that the design community is not my audience. and the message is king. even now, the design community and the roles of designers are evolving. chasing supposedly dream jobs in dream studios who get dream clients sometimes seems outdated. opportunities are everywhere. so many startups. who need communicators, designers. so many good ideas that need good communicators to reach their audience. more than ever before, i'm understanding how much more beyond a logo this is.

maybe with this better sense of clarity now i am ready to tackle more "creative" briefs. maybe i will, maybe i won't. the only thing i know for certain at the moment, is that if/when i do "creative design" next, i will not do it with the goal of it "looking good" but communicating the message. maybe that was all uni was trying to teach me. better late than never, i suppose.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

don't know what to think or what to feel anymore. dreams that were dreamt so long ago suddenly just don't matter anymore.

haven't used my brain in ages, now i don't even know how to begin using it again.

tired because can't sleep. can't sleep because i haven't accomplished anything. and then when i finally fall asleep, i can't wake up because i don't want to face reality.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

finally fixed the domain thingamajig. after 2 months. all that was missing was a single dot. sigh.

somehow blogging ain't the same anymore..

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

Permalink | Leave a comment  »