Finally got around to boxing up memories. Am surprised that 10 years only accumulated that much worthy items. But that should pretty much sum up the whole relationship eh? It's time to move on.

Not having my BigMac (what I call my MacBook pro) for the 2nd day now has made apparent how much I still need a laptop, or prefer using one to do certain things instead of on the phone. As smooth as web browsing on the iPhone can be, the small screen is a pain. Typing is a pain. Not having multiple tabs accessible w a single click is a pain.
The possibility of having to fork out a huge amount of cash for potential repair needs, or in worst case scenario, a replacement, makes me sick inside out. It then leads me to thinking of things like im not earning enough from my design job(s) to justify a Mac. Ive not even earned enough to have afforded the BigMac! N then thinking about always paying for the unforeseen circumstances, the urgent needs, n then having nothing left for the wants. Case in point would be The Guitar that I've been postponing since high school. Which then leads me to thinking if I even need one, n that so far, the earnings r pretty much negligible, n it's an investment that won't pay off.
Sometimes I'm just so grateful that at least this year, I had an income. A monthly income. A steady monthly income. N no longer having the stress of a "here's what u hv, make it last as long as possible" account. No longer having to choose between feeding the car or myself. Having the option of having social meals knowing I can afford it. And I'm at least spending my own money.
But in a family business you sometimes feel like your money isn't entirely your own.. And sometimes I still get fed up that money, while it doesn't bring happiness, does make life easier.
And this is what having too much quiet results in. A quietness caused by deafening thoughts.

Not blogging often has made it difficult to recap the year, but for memory's sake here are some highlights and lowlights of 2011 in no particular order:

1. Submitted my last ever uni project in January, confirmed that I was good to graduate in June, and finally a Graduate in September.
2. Struggled with working in the family business. After months of my browser having tabs open of jobs I should/wanna apply, I finally took the courage in August and applied for 2. Went for an assessment for one, and obviously didn't pass as expected. haha. Went for an interview, and up till this day, am still in shocked that I got hired because I brought absolutely nothing, no portfolio, no examples of my writing, nothing. Guess they were desperate and got lucky that I did not lie when I said I was proficient in writing and editing. haha
3. Got hired, took a while before I had the courage to tell the parents because I was afraid of disappointing them. Found my niche. Got really good results for my evaluation which blew my mind. Survived the early mornings. And my back is feeling so much better.
4. Spent the whole year being single but unavailable. Final heartbreak in September. The chapter well and truly over in December after being dragged on for far too long. Resolved anger, bitterness and disappointment just in time to start fresh in the new year.
5. Started the year with weddings to attend, and ended the year with even more. A year filled with engagements as well. As happy as I am for all the couples, can't help feeling a bit bitter and tired of being alone.
6. Had a family health scare in November. Can only look back and thank God at how He brought us through it. Opened my eyes to realize how important church is.
7. Found support in unlikely people. Started re-building friendships.
8. The sister came back for good! Which made it a whole lot easier for me to leave the family business. heh. I'm sorry sister if you feel you're stuck. But you've got more time than me to accomplish things ...
9. Visited Melbourne again :)

To sum up, 2011 has been pretty much a good year in all areas of my life 'cept for matters of the heart. I'm definitely happier than the past couple of years, and I don't wake up wondering what am I doing with my life anymore.

Here's hoping 2012 will finally resolve the matters of the heart! haha.

These days one of my greatest comforts come from knowing this life is only temporary and that I am part of a bigger picture. But surely even this temporal life is not meant to be lived like this?

woah. what happened there

...

i think i was an ISFJ too. and now.. i am just an introvert. and close to nothing more...

here's what's most interesting about an ISFJ as lovers (bold for what I find is very true of myself)

ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them, unless they have a strong reason to do so. Their intensity of feeling makes their intimate relationship their first priority in life, with the possible exception of God. They seek monogamous, lifelong commitments, and can be depended upon to be faithful and loyal to their mates once they have made a commitment.

ISFJs have a difficult time leaving a relationship which is bad, or accepting that a relationship is over. They tend to put all of the blame on their own shoulders, and wonder what they should have done to make things work out. If they have been loyal to their vows and have done their duties, they will be at a complete loss as to what went wrong, and will have great difficulty accepting the end. They are "true blue" lovers, and may even remain faithful to their deceased partners.

ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. This may backfire on them, if they get into a situation in which they are taken advantage of, and do not have a good outlet for their strong emotions. In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. The ISFJ should work on recognizing their own needs, and place some importance on meeting them, rather than always putting the needs of others first. After all, if you can't take care of yourself, how can take care of someone else?

Sexually, the ISFJ sees intimacy as a tangible way of strengthening their relationship bonds. They also see as something of a duty, and are likely to be more interested in serving their partner than in their own personal satisfaction. Although the ISFJ is not likely to be very wordy about expressing their love and affection, they're likely to do so through their deeds, and will deeply value their partner's responding affirmations.

The ISFJ is very warm and selfless. They'll put forth tremendous amounts of energy and time into doing what they feel is ther duty. What makes them feel best about themselves is when others show them their appreciation of the ISFJ. Consequently, the best gift that the partner of an ISFJ can give them is the expression of their love and appreciation.

ISFJs have difficulty with conflict situations, and would much prefer to just sweep things under the rug. Sometimes facing a conflict situation helps to resolve it, and the ISFJ should realize that the world will not end if they face the conflict, and express how they feel about it. A conflict situation is not necessarily a "problem" which needs to be gotten rid of, and it is also not necessarily the ISFJ's fault. It's a common problem for ISFJ's to not express their feelings until pushed to some limit, after which they explode in anger and say things which they later feel they shouldn't have said. These kinds of outbursts can be reduced by expressing their feelings on a more regular basis, rather than keeping them pent up inside.

In general, the ISFJ is usually a traditional, family-minded individual who places the comfort of their mates and families as their first priority in life. They're great for providing for everyday basic needs, and have a depth of caring which is very unusual, and not found in most types. They highly invested in the health of their relationships, and will work very hard to make things run smoothly. They are dependable and affectionate lovers.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFJ's natural partner is the ESTP, or the ESFP. ISFJ's dominant function of Introverted Sensing is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Sensing.

 

So, I guess I should be looking for an ESTP or an ESFP. Know any? Their favoured careers are "ceo, sports management, fighter pilot, marketing specialist, business manager, race car driver, supervisor, economist, airline pilot, bar owner, consultant, cia agent, security specialist, technician, businessman, mechanical engineer, public relations specialist, coach, manager, marketing director, sales associate, mechanic, politician, publicist, public relations manager, school teacher, radio dj, customer service, emt, hair stylist, event coordinator, pediatric nurse, child care worker, makeup artist, personal trainer, public relations, human resources, travel agent, massage therapist, physical therapist, interior decorator". LOL (source 1, 2)

And please make sure I stay away from "poet, artist, art teacher, novelist, bookstore owner, graphics designer, museum curator, librarian, freelance writer, author, florist, painter, school psychologist, songwriter, musician, professional college student, editor, philosopher, english professor, bookstore owner, author, researcher, painter, artist, scientist, philosophy professor, art director, computer programmer, freelance writer, history professor, web developer, paleontologist, book editor, cia agent, aerospace engineer, archeologist, webmaster" as they're most likely not ESTPs & ESFPs. haha.

Sigh.

retook an online personality test hoping that maybe i might have changed, but nope, still an ISFJ.

this past few weeks the fear of being left behind has crept up behind me, closer and closer until it reached close enough to tap me on the shoulder, made me turn around, and now i am unable to see beyond it.

to be dramatic, it is as if i floated into the atmosphere, just to escape for a little while, and it was fascinating, watching the world spin beneath me, until i realised it was moving on without me. without needing me.

isn't this what i wanted? why does getting what i want still feel so... sucky?

life is so different and still very much the same. it's so frustrating to have run 3000km and end up in the very same place.